Narrative Written ~ By Michelle Lin

I hate the movie “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before”. I hate it for all the reasons you’re probably assuming. I just never bought into the hype. While everyone around me gushed about how wonderful and fairytale like it was, I felt alienated. I hated that it was just like every other teen romance movie I had ever seen. It was predictable, it wasn’t realistic. The only part that I enjoyed was the strong female Asian American lead actress. I liked her.

I hated the movie because it didn’t portray what it’s actually like to fall in love. While the letters did match my childhood feelings, I doubt many girls are asked to pretend to date someone in order to make their ex-girlfriend jealous. And as a girl that had just finished high school at the same time the movie came out, I felt somehow spited by it. Like it was mocking how my teenage experience ended differently. Two years later, I honestly still hate that movie. So, the way I deemed correct to show just how terribly the movie portrayed love, I decided to write my own love letters. Here we go.

1. INNOCENCE

I don’t remember your name anymore. Your face is also just a blur. But what I remember about you is the feeling of excitement you gave me everyday when I walked into that preschool classroom. The type of love I felt for you was pure, it was innocent. It was a kind of love that only relied on how much you made me laugh. It was love based on if you shared your snack with me at snack time or not. It was cute, it was simple, but it was still love. You reached out to me years ago. By that point I had already experienced what I thought was the beginning of real love. But you reminded me that real love does not mean stolen kisses and 80 mph car rides. It doesn’t mean presents or late night phone calls. Real love means happiness no matter what.

Thank you for being my first.

2. CHANGE

Middle school was when the change started happening. You started to become popular, loud, and outgoing. I wouldn’t be comfortable with myself until the end of high school. And unlike in elementary school when we were friends, we slowly stopped talking. That was my first taste of what a heartbreak felt like. Dramatic sounding, I know. In truth I was never in love with you, but I loved you all the same. It was scary watching us change. I don’t remember breathing a single word to you in high school. Part of me is relieved. I don’t think I’d be able to handle just how much we had grown apart. Even now, I don’t think I’d be able to handle it if you found out this was about you.

So please, don’t remind me.

We went to school together from k-12. During those years we both changed so much that I don’t even know who you are anymore. I remember having recess together like it was yesterday. I remember running around in the grass with you, blowing dandelions. It was simple before the notion of boys and girls being friends meant that we liked each other. One particular day sticks out in my mind. I had gotten a new necklace and you told me that you liked it. I didn’t take it off until middle school.

3. TIME

Do you remember how toxic we were? Because I sure as hell do. I remember being that 13-year-old girl, dumb and naive. Thinking that if I stuck around long enough, eventually you’d love me. Thinking that if I just supported you through your messy relationship, when it ended my arms would be the ones you’d run into.

I’d slap my 13 year old self if I could.

When I think about it again, it was your fault just as much as mine. You knew that I liked you and you took advantage of it. But we were just a bunch of tweens.

We really were never the same after that. High school rolled around and we didn’t talk much. We spoke a few times senior year. It was my time of “don’t regret not doing something once high school ends” type of deal. Talking with you once again was nice. It was better than whatever we had going on in middle school. And at prom, when you saw me and gave me a hug, my date told me you had a look of longing in your eyes. I’m sorry.

We loved each other at the wrong times.

4. ERASED

you don’t deserve a page in my book.

you know exactly who you are.

you can apologize all you want.

Don’t. Text. Me.

5. FIRSTS

Jeez we were dumb. We both agree that we were so fucking dumb. But we were still cute.

I remember when we met. It was the most uncomfortable and weird way to meet someone you would eventually love. You shook my hand that first time your dad introduced us. I giggled like a little girl after. Looking back at those two stupid little kids, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Our love was the first love that felt real to me. It felt mature, like we were adults. Looking back at it now man it makes me want to die inside, we were so cringy. I was really insecure back then too, I’m sorry about that. I felt that since you were older I needed to impress you no matter what. So I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, but I lied when I told you I had already had my first kiss. You were in fact my first kiss. It was wet. But I’m happy it was with you.

Our real first love also came with my real first heartbreak. Let’s be honest here, while I wasn’t the best girlfriend, you were one shitty boyfriend towards the end of it my man. It resulted in a lot of insecurities that I’m still trying to get over today. I really hate that girl.

We really shouldn’t have been in love, and looking at it now I’m glad we didn’t last very long. We don’t have a lot of things in common and function very differently. Your friends hated me, and still probably aren’t that fond of me. I don’t tell my friends that much about you.

But even through all of our dysfunction, I’m glad we stayed friends. I’m glad that you’re a person I can call, in need or even just to talk. I hope that we stay friends for a long time. Since our families are friends we really can’t escape each other anyways :) not that I’d want to of course.

I’m glad you found someone who understands you, who you love, and who loves you back. You guys look great together. And remember, no matter what, I’ll always be in your corner.

Thank you for being in mine.

6. 7. DANDELIONS

Thank you. Thank you guys for teaching me that love outside of your family doesn’t just mean love for your significant other. Thank you for being my rocks, my ride or dies until the end of time. Thank you for making me laugh, for consoling me, and for putting up with my stupidity.

I don’t remember how we all came to be. I don’t really remember when I met either of you or how long it took for us to become close. But I do remember one of my favorite times together. While we’ve spent countless hours, days, weeks together, this memory is my favorite because it was peaceful and ordinary. We were walking in a field by an elementary school next to one of your houses. It was a sunny and breezy afternoon after classes senior year. As we strolled in the grass, I lagged behind to pick up a dandelion. I picked up the puffiest and round one I could find. As I lifted it to my face I saw you guys in the distance walking towards the woods. At that moment I truly realized just how much I loved both of you. And how empty my life would be if I ever gave you guys up. I took a picture of you guys that day, with the dandelion in hand. I’ll keep that picture forever.

You’ve both taught me what a drama-free, non-toxic relationship feels like. In our years of friendship, I don’t think I’ve been mad or had an argument with either of you. It was a pleasant reality away from the norm that girlfriends really just hate each other behind backs, whispering while feening smiles.

I don’t tell you guys this very often, I’m not a sappy or emotionally vulnerable person. But I love you both so much I can’t even explain. When we graduated I was so scared that different colleges and time would tear us apart. But even when we don’t text for weeks at a time, I know you guys aren’t going anywhere. And I’m not going anywhere either.

Thank you for being my unconditionals.

8. CRUSH

My love for you was always just a small crush. A crush because I thought you were cute, and also a crush because I wanted to be your friend.

Alas, high school is never the place to make new friends. And we were never single at the same time to ever actually start anything. Not that I’d have the guts to in high school.

Then again, I did have the guts to ask you to be in a project for me. My guy, you are bad at acting. But thanks, you helped me start my art career, I appreciate it. I wish we could've been friends. If you think this is about you, maybe we still can be.

I hope you never read this. Honestly because if you did you might realize it’s about you and I would die of embarrassment.

Send me a message sometime.

9. BURDEN

You were my first actual serious relationship. One that didn’t end after half a year or so. I was your first relationship period. Perhaps it was because we were older, we knew what we wanted for the most part. Even if we didn’t, we knew that we wanted each other. For the time being it was all that mattered.

As time went on it became a lot of pressure. Pressure for me to make your firsts special. Pressure for you to actually show your emotions to me. But we made it through those pressures. And our love was great for a long time.

I remember the first time I told you I loved you. You didn’t say it back. While it broke my heart, I told myself I understood at the time. I was lying.

I remember the first time you said you loved me and you meant it. We were lying in my dorm room, trying to fall asleep. You whispered it into my back and hearing it I cried into my pillow. It was like I was earning what I had worked so hard to hear.

But as you started opening up I started shutting down. To this day I still don’t know why. I don’t know if it was because of me and what I had going on, or if I was tired of feeling like a burden to you. It was just too much. I made you cry. I didn’t know that you could do that.

Even now, I’m still not sure where we are at. I’m not sure if it’s my fear of commitment, or my fear of an imperfect relationship. I just know that I’m scared. And that’s ok. It’s okay that I don’t know where we are at or where we’re going or if we’re ever going to be ok. I learned that it’s ok to go with the flow and if it’s right, we’ll be okay once again.

I still love you.

Where do I start with you? How do I even begin to explain the love, the hate, the exasperation, and the completeness you gave me? How can I possibly explain in words, and how can I convince our friends that this isn’t about you?

Our love was something that sprouted out of friendship. The kind of love where I was chill if you asked me out, but also cool if you didn’t. It felt like no pressure. You made me feel like I was the only girl in the world that mattered. It was nice for once.

10. MATCH

You came to me in a time of need. You were the shoulder I cried on, the person I called everyday, and the one who made me feel ok again. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you, but I did.

Maybe it was my vulnerability, maybe it was the difference in personality you showed from the one I was running away from. But you really helped me realize that I’m worth more than just half an effort.

I was told we’d be a good match. That, we just ‘click’, you know? But just clicking doesn’t take into account the circumstances, and the fact that we just could never.

Don’t worry, I don’t love you like that anymore.

11. PROOF

I thought you were different. I thought you were the nice guy. I thought that since you took the time, since you were older, you’d be a real one.

All you did was prove to me that love isn’t as black and white as movies make it to be.

You can wave to me all you want in the physics building.

I won’t wave back.

12. CHANCE

We met by fate. Two college applications that picked “blind” as their choice of roommate. Who would’ve thought that choice would’ve gone so wonderfully?

The day we met really could’ve been like a shitty teen movie that I would absolutely hate. We said our first hellos in our new shared dorm room and went to catch a bus for the first time to head to our first college event. Well, one misspell into google maps and we were suddenly on the other side of campus. We were the only ones that knew of course. We bonded over how my boyfriend was frantically trying every door of the wrong building, questioning why none were open. We laughed as we got scolded for not mentioning that we were at the wrong place. We never made it to that event. I’m glad we missed it.

Fate gave me someone that I wouldn’t trade for all the money in the world. You know that I hate gushy and mushy things and that I’d never say it in person, unless one of us was like dying or something. But I love you so much. I love that even though I haven’t known you for long, I feel like I’ve known you forever.

I wouldn’t be able to even dream of a better fate.

13. SECRET

We weren’t supposed to happen. We’ll probably never talk about this. It would ruin too many things. I just wish we could stay friends. I’m here anytime you need me.

I’m sorry I wasn’t the one.

14. 15. EXCEPTIONS

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to brag at all. But in my life finding friends who actually just want to be friends is difficult. #4 really proved that to me. So finding both of you was a nice breath away from all the lies and subtle tricks. In this short amount of time, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell you guys I love you.

Even if you’d both vomit.

Thank you for being different.

16. HER

This is a love letter to the most important person I love. It’s not about my family, they are a love that requires no letter. This letter is for myself. Because while this list of love letters will probably keep growing, I need to remember that my number should come first.

I remember the days you used to sit in front of the mirror and criticize everything about yourself. Your nose, your hair, your boobs, your legs. Nothing was good enough in your eyes. I’m sorry you had to go through that on your own.

As you’ve grown as a person, you’ve learned slowly to love the things about you, the things that I love about you. You won’t always do things right. Not everything you say is going to be correct. Life isn’t going to be perfect for you. You need to learn that that’s okay.

You need to remember that you don’t always need to be the strongest. The people around you will love and support you when you can’t for yourself. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness.

But I’m proud of you. I’m proud of all the progress you’ve made. I’m proud that you’re not scared of speaking out anymore, no longer scared that people aren’t going to find you funny. I’m proud that you no longer do things because they’re the ‘in’ thing to do. You do and have what makes you happy. I’m proud you’ve grown into your skin, even if it’s taken 20 years.

But hey, you have many more to go.

This is one love letter that will never end.

Those are my love letters. The number of letters will probably increase as my life goes on. For the meantime, these are the ones that have meant the most to me. Love to me is not just a boy that I think is cute in class. Love to me is someone that makes me feel, good or bad feelings. Love to me is friendship. Love to me is happiness. Love to me is heartbreak. Love to me is more complicated than a simple teen romance.

But complications make it worth living.

-Michelle Lin

Letters - Love